Ernest gets Jiggy Post Mortem

CELEBRITY SCANDAL!!

After passing away in February of 2000, little did “Ernest” fans know what type of scar would make itself known on the 10-year anniversary of Jim Varney’s death.

A recent unfinished work by Varney made its way to Youtube, simply titled Ernest Pays For Sex. Apparently, in this film, Vern finally “knows” what Ernest means (Know what I mean?) -- It has to do with a turkey-baster and a can of Pam cooking spray.

Web aficionados guess that the video came from his file of posthumous releases, which include his last feature film never released, called Ernest Goes To Hell.

Critics charge Varney with selling out in his later days, one of which commented that Ernest Scared Stupid was the last “great” comedy ever made in our generation.

This critic has also been cited with such opinions as “I can’t recall the last time I actually enjoyed sex” and “That Bill Huxtable sure was hot stuff.”

VanWinkle on Ice!

BREAKING CELEBRITY NEWS

Detroit, MI

Rapper Vanilla Ice, a.k.a. Robert VanWinkle, was arrested Tuesday after he was caught waxing a chump like a candle. The chump was actually a homeless man named Jack Berrard, who suffered serious injury to his right eye.

In 2003, VanWinkle was also jailed for allegedly bum-rushing a speaker that boomed in his neighbors’ Detroit home and for cooking MC’s like a pound of bacon in a restricted forest area. He served 2 months and was placed on probation for 1 year after pleading guilty. Tuesday’s occurrence surprised locals, who labeled Vanilla as someone having great generosity and kindness. “If there was a problem, yo he’d solve it,” said Irma Baddington of Southfield. “During our neighborhood watch meetings, we could always count on Rob to collaborate and listen. He was a great part of the organization.”

Once his court date is scheduled, attorneys expect his trial to flow like a harpoon. On the contrary, in the past VanWinkle has defended himself in court…At times rocking the mic like a vandal.

Pooh gets Flushed in Finland!

BREAKING WORLD NEWS!!!!

Kildsjevsik, Finland

Finnish television executives announced today that television shows containing Winnie The Pooh would be banned from here forward due to a recent misinterpretation that caused a massive uproar from parents.

Translated into 74 different languages worldwide, Winnie The Pooh is the 18^th most popular children’s show in existence. Finnish lawmakers were determined to make that non-existent in their country.

After new translation software was introduced last month, automatic overdubbing was made possible for all television, cutting down translation time tremendously for manual translators. The problem: Pooh translated directly in Finnish means “Sh#@.” Numerous children were overheard at lunchtimes all over the country, repeating the profanities whilst consuming their meals of raw fish and dung-beans.

Though the technical difficulty would have been easily explainable on a PR level, Finnish lawmakers and television executives decided to blame it on the show, calling it vulgar and profane.

A comparison could be made with their decision to cover it up to when the Finns blamed the Holocaust on Germany over 60 years ago….. A reputation for horrific murders that stuck to this date. Believe it or not, Hitler’s real name was Helf Djuglen.

Game Show Host Murdered! Estate Showcase Showdown!

BREAKING CELEBRITY NEWS!!

Hollywood Hills, CA

Game Show Legend Bob Barker was found dead in his home early this morning by his stepdaughter. Barker appeared to have been murdered, and the only cause of death that authorities have been able to determine so far is that he bled to death after being neutered. Barker also had Plinko chips stuffed in his mouth. One can only guess that someone prefers Drew Carey over the original host…

Proprietors of Barker’s estate are allowing bidders to come forward for his property since he had no living relatives. They are recommending that nobody overbid since there’s always a chance that some bastard could come along and bid $1

Celebrities said to be planning on attending his funeral are Adam Sandler, Bob Hope’s ex-wife, and his dog’s Vet – Dr. Hyuong Tep

Not-So-Satisfying...

BREAKING NEWS!!!!

Farnsberg, SC

Police in Burke County have just arrested a man in connection with the 1999 slaying of Mars Candy CEO, Hap Bushman.

Raymond A. Purnell of Farnsberg was taken into custody late Sunday evening, because apparently, “Snickers didn’t satisfy him.”

Purnell had been in hiding after the murder, which had been labeled one of the most gruesome crimes of the 1990’s. Bushman was found in his Columbia estate covered in gooey nougat and peanuts. He also had a couple of bites in his neck. Once arrested, Purnell was quoted as having said “If I pay a Buck-Five for a snack-bar, I expect to be fulfilled. Snickers just didn’t do it, and I didn’t appreciate their false advertising.”

After the murder, Snickers changed their ad campaign from 1999 until 2005 when the scare died down again, adopting the slogan “Snickers – Might Satisfy You If You’ve Already Had A Solid Meal Today Prior To Eating One.”

In other confectionary news, Nabisco has decided not to release the “Obama Oreo” after complaints that the product name would indirectly cause a racial thunderstorm.

Headless Webster!

BREAKING CELEBRITY NEWS!!!

Wilmont, DE

Child Celebrity Emmanuel Lewis, star of the 1980’s television hit Webster, was found dead in his Wilmont home Friday, authorities said. Apparently, the 3’6” man had been decapitated by a pool table.

The only witness to the accident was a seven-year-old friend of Lewis’ named Gilbert Perkins. Apparently, Perkins had called Lewis a Hobbit, at which time Lewis proceeded to chase Perkins around his basement recreation room with a tack-hammer. Perkins ducked under a pool table to escape Lewis, at which time Lewis’ low-clearance head connected with the side-rail of the table, knocking it clear of his body.

Neighbors reported hearing a sound much like a pop-can being opened, which inevitably was the sound of Lewis’ head being removed from its socket. One of Lewis’ neighbors called police at that time.

Perkins was taken to a local hospital to be treated for shock. Authorities say that no charges will be pressed against the boy, especially since they felt that being chased by a dwarf with a tack-hammer was a lesson enough in itself

Michigan Lamb Chops Cause Heart Attack!

BREAKING NEWS!!!!

Livonia, MI

Michigan housewife Amy Vargas is in critical condition after finding the severed head of a mountain sheep in her living room. Rigor Mortis actually cause the head to “baa” at her when she moved it, causing her to go into cardiac arrest. Police aren’t saying who might have placed the head (found inside a Toshiba television box), but they suspect her neighbor, Tom Morris. Morris is renowned for the 1997 shooting of 18 mountain sheep at the Detroit Zoo.

Kool Aid Murders!!!

BREAKING NEWS!!!!

Smyrna, GA

14 people have been reported dead in what bystanders called a horrific and frightening shower of glass..

A man dressed like fruit-drink legend “Kool-Aid Man” had reportedly been wearing a 400 pound glass suit in order to resemble the hero’s trademark jug appearance. Apparently, Michael Jurgon of Athens charged his living room wall during his eight-year-old’s birthday party. Unbeknownst to the children looking on and Jurgon himself, the wall was reinforced by cinderblock and rebar. His suit shattered instantly, severing Jurgon’s carotid artery and killing him instantly. 13 other children were killed by the glass explosion and 4 others maimed.

To worsen, the situation, 285 gallons of Cherry Drink were completely wasted .