Bagel Brothers Launch Fishy 'Shmear' Campaign!

RESTAURANT NEWS

Dublin, OH

Einstein Brothers, a successful bagel empire out of Golden, Colorado, announced a new flavor today that has people wrinkling their noses in disgust.

Ever since they were formed, Einstein Bros. has been famous for their trademark “Shmears,” which are simply bagels with a different flavored cream cheese on each of them. Flavors range from Chive and Onion to Acai berry. Today’s announcement brought surprise to all. In honor of breast cancer awareness, PR Vice-President Caleb Flemming revealed the flavor-of-the-month.

– The Pap Shmear.

The flavor of the cream cheese will not be revealed, and most people don’t want to try it out first. It is white with a slightly pink tinge, and they also include a long cotton-swab to spread it on with. Some women are finding thios too familiar, and hate that “eating a bagel could be such an uncomfortable experience”.

Predicitions of the flavor failing have littered restaurant web boards, on the tail of last year’s bagel release, “Shmear the Queer.” Gay protesters lined streets all around Einstein Bros. locations, until one gay decided to actually taste the bagel, which ironically enough, tasted like dog penis.

OK to be Gay!

IN THE NEWS

Reuters, NY

A recent study has shown many reason why it is not “OK to be Gay,” outraging many residents of San Francisco, Boulder, and the Nut & Bolt Lounge in lower Manhattan.

Students from Asperville Community College in rural Oklahoma have listed the following as citations not to be gay:

1) Annual Budget Increases – the average gay individual spends $2,870 more per year on leotards and purple vests than the straight person. Contrastingly, Ass-Less Chaps sales only contribute to $400 more per year

2) Higher Health Costs – Gay people reportedly submit 78% more lower back pain claims to their providers, and 268% more requests for Colonoscopies.

3) Impact on the Recording Industry – Annual record sales for Barbara Streisand and Bette Midler rose 41% in 2008 when they released their new albums, compared to the steady decline of sales in all other categories. Oddly enough, record sales in the Showtunes genre failed to reflect the numbers of its gay counterparts

4) House Fires Increased – Over the 10 year period studied, house fires in gay households rose a traumatic 89% after the magazine Gay-Pride Monthly published it’s article entitled “You can make Creme Brulett at home!”