Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Doc Brown IS a Flux Capacitor!


Christopher Lloyd was found dead in his Brentwood Estate this morning. The L.A. County Coroner’s Office has ruled it accidental at this point, but are not saying the cause of death. The only information disclosed so far is that he was electrocuted by approximately 1.21 Gigawatts of electricity. Electricians have stated that the only thing powerful enough to generate that kind of power is a bolt of lightning.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Bagel Brothers Launch Fishy 'Shmear' Campaign!


Dublin, OH

Einstein Brothers, a successful bagel empire out of Golden, Colorado, announced a new flavor today that has people wrinkling their noses in disgust.

Ever since they were formed, Einstein Bros. has been famous for their trademark “Shmears,” which are simply bagels with a different flavored cream cheese on each of them. Flavors range from Chive and Onion to Acai berry. Today’s announcement brought surprise to all. In honor of breast cancer awareness, PR Vice-President Caleb Flemming revealed the flavor-of-the-month.

– The Pap Shmear.

The flavor of the cream cheese will not be revealed, and most people don’t want to try it out first. It is white with a slightly pink tinge, and they also include a long cotton-swab to spread it on with. Some women are finding thios too familiar, and hate that “eating a bagel could be such an uncomfortable experience”.

Predicitions of the flavor failing have littered restaurant web boards, on the tail of last year’s bagel release, “Shmear the Queer.” Gay protesters lined streets all around Einstein Bros. locations, until one gay decided to actually taste the bagel, which ironically enough, tasted like dog penis.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Burger King Gives Kids a Mouthfull!


Dilburn, IN

Fast-Food Giant Burger King announced a plan today that has some people cocking their heads…

In an effort to raise sales, whilst promoting safe sex, Burger has announced that they will be handling out “Hamburger-Flavored Condoms” with each kids meal purchase.

“We feel that more and more 7-year olds are sexually active today, and we want to be at the forefront of the STD battle,” said Burger King Spokesman Ronald Franz. “If a kid goes home with one of our burger condoms, not only will he or she be more prone to think twice about having underage sex, but in the case that they do, we can guarantee you won’t get laid again after slipping on a rubber that tastes like ground beef.”

Franz was also behind the controversial Burger King marketing ploy of 2005 in which Dunce hats were given out to people who paid for their meals with checks. “We feel that if you are paying with a check, everyone should know that you’re stuck in the 50’s. If it were legal, Burger King would put rat poison in their meals, but I think we’re only a few years off from the government allowing us to do that.”

The condoms will come in Cheeseburger and Guacamole-Burger flavors, and will also have the option of Rainbow Brite Diaphragms for the girl’s kids meals.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Ernest gets Jiggy Post Mortem


After passing away in February of 2000, little did “Ernest” fans know what type of scar would make itself known on the 10-year anniversary of Jim Varney’s death.

A recent unfinished work by Varney made its way to Youtube, simply titled Ernest Pays For Sex. Apparently, in this film, Vern finally “knows” what Ernest means (Know what I mean?) -- It has to do with a turkey-baster and a can of Pam cooking spray.

Web aficionados guess that the video came from his file of posthumous releases, which include his last feature film never released, called Ernest Goes To Hell.

Critics charge Varney with selling out in his later days, one of which commented that Ernest Scared Stupid was the last “great” comedy ever made in our generation.

This critic has also been cited with such opinions as “I can’t recall the last time I actually enjoyed sex” and “That Bill Huxtable sure was hot stuff.”

Monday, February 1, 2010

Untapped Brilliance Gone Awry


The Bathtub Toaster-Matic – “Enjoy hot toast while bathing! WARNING: May cause death!”

The Children’s Gas-Siphoning Kit – “Even your Toddler can do it! WARNING: Choking Hazard”

Colon Cleanser Extra-Strength, By Drano® - “We mix the power of Drano with your own Stomach Acid to give you the best cleanse possible! WARNING: Combustible!”

Electronic Toilet Flusher – “Automatically Detects when the stream is finished. No hands! WARNING: A 50,000 volt arc of electricity may jump over to your penis at times.

Brillo® Baby Rash Remover – “Combine the scrubbing power of steel-wool with your baby’s own pus to get the most-effective rash-basher! WARNING: May expose muscle tissues!”

VanWinkle on Ice!


Detroit, MI

Rapper Vanilla Ice, a.k.a. Robert VanWinkle, was arrested Tuesday after he was caught waxing a chump like a candle. The chump was actually a homeless man named Jack Berrard, who suffered serious injury to his right eye.

In 2003, VanWinkle was also jailed for allegedly bum-rushing a speaker that boomed in his neighbors’ Detroit home and for cooking MC’s like a pound of bacon in a restricted forest area. He served 2 months and was placed on probation for 1 year after pleading guilty. Tuesday’s occurrence surprised locals, who labeled Vanilla as someone having great generosity and kindness. “If there was a problem, yo he’d solve it,” said Irma Baddington of Southfield. “During our neighborhood watch meetings, we could always count on Rob to collaborate and listen. He was a great part of the organization.”

Once his court date is scheduled, attorneys expect his trial to flow like a harpoon. On the contrary, in the past VanWinkle has defended himself in court…At times rocking the mic like a vandal.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Pooh gets Flushed in Finland!


Kildsjevsik, Finland

Finnish television executives announced today that television shows containing Winnie The Pooh would be banned from here forward due to a recent misinterpretation that caused a massive uproar from parents.

Translated into 74 different languages worldwide, Winnie The Pooh is the 18th most popular children’s show in existence. Finnish lawmakers were determined to make that non-existent in their country.

After new translation software was introduced last month, automatic overdubbing was made possible for all television, cutting down translation time tremendously for manual translators. The problem: Pooh translated directly in Finnish means “Sh#@.” Numerous children were overheard at lunchtimes all over the country, repeating the profanities whilst consuming their meals of raw fish and dung-beans.

Though the technical difficulty would have been easily explainable on a PR level, Finnish lawmakers and television executives decided to blame it on the show, calling it vulgar and profane.

A comparison could be made with their decision to cover it up to when the Finns blamed the Holocaust on Germany over 60 years ago….. A reputation for horrific murders that stuck to this date. Believe it or not, Hitler’s real name was Helf Djuglen.