Doc Brown IS a Flux Capacitor!

BREAKING CELEBRITY NEWS:

Christopher Lloyd was found dead in his Brentwood Estate this morning. The L.A. County Coroner’s Office has ruled it accidental at this point, but are not saying the cause of death. The only information disclosed so far is that he was electrocuted by approximately 1.21 Gigawatts of electricity. Electricians have stated that the only thing powerful enough to generate that kind of power is a bolt of lightning.

Bagel Brothers Launch Fishy 'Shmear' Campaign!

RESTAURANT NEWS

Dublin, OH

Einstein Brothers, a successful bagel empire out of Golden, Colorado, announced a new flavor today that has people wrinkling their noses in disgust.

Ever since they were formed, Einstein Bros. has been famous for their trademark “Shmears,” which are simply bagels with a different flavored cream cheese on each of them. Flavors range from Chive and Onion to Acai berry. Today’s announcement brought surprise to all. In honor of breast cancer awareness, PR Vice-President Caleb Flemming revealed the flavor-of-the-month.

– The Pap Shmear.

The flavor of the cream cheese will not be revealed, and most people don’t want to try it out first. It is white with a slightly pink tinge, and they also include a long cotton-swab to spread it on with. Some women are finding thios too familiar, and hate that “eating a bagel could be such an uncomfortable experience”.

Predicitions of the flavor failing have littered restaurant web boards, on the tail of last year’s bagel release, “Shmear the Queer.” Gay protesters lined streets all around Einstein Bros. locations, until one gay decided to actually taste the bagel, which ironically enough, tasted like dog penis.

Burger King Gives Kids a Mouthfull!

BUSINESS NEWS:

Dilburn, IN

Fast-Food Giant Burger King announced a plan today that has some people cocking their heads…

In an effort to raise sales, whilst promoting safe sex, Burger has announced that they will be handling out “Hamburger-Flavored Condoms” with each kids meal purchase.

“We feel that more and more 7-year olds are sexually active today, and we want to be at the forefront of the STD battle,” said Burger King Spokesman Ronald Franz. “If a kid goes home with one of our burger condoms, not only will he or she be more prone to think twice about having underage sex, but in the case that they do, we can guarantee you won’t get laid again after slipping on a rubber that tastes like ground beef.”

Franz was also behind the controversial Burger King marketing ploy of 2005 in which Dunce hats were given out to people who paid for their meals with checks. “We feel that if you are paying with a check, everyone should know that you’re stuck in the 50’s. If it were legal, Burger King would put rat poison in their meals, but I think we’re only a few years off from the government allowing us to do that.”

The condoms will come in Cheeseburger and Guacamole-Burger flavors, and will also have the option of Rainbow Brite Diaphragms for the girl’s kids meals.

Ernest gets Jiggy Post Mortem

CELEBRITY SCANDAL!!

After passing away in February of 2000, little did “Ernest” fans know what type of scar would make itself known on the 10-year anniversary of Jim Varney’s death.

A recent unfinished work by Varney made its way to Youtube, simply titled Ernest Pays For Sex. Apparently, in this film, Vern finally “knows” what Ernest means (Know what I mean?) -- It has to do with a turkey-baster and a can of Pam cooking spray.

Web aficionados guess that the video came from his file of posthumous releases, which include his last feature film never released, called Ernest Goes To Hell.

Critics charge Varney with selling out in his later days, one of which commented that Ernest Scared Stupid was the last “great” comedy ever made in our generation.

This critic has also been cited with such opinions as “I can’t recall the last time I actually enjoyed sex” and “That Bill Huxtable sure was hot stuff.”

Untapped Brilliance Gone Awry

FAILED INVENTIONS

The Bathtub Toaster-Matic – “Enjoy hot toast while bathing! WARNING: May cause death!”

The Children’s Gas-Siphoning Kit – “Even your Toddler can do it! WARNING: Choking Hazard”

Colon Cleanser Extra-Strength, By Drano® - “We mix the power of Drano with your own Stomach Acid to give you the best cleanse possible! WARNING: Combustible!”

Electronic Toilet Flusher – “Automatically Detects when the stream is finished. No hands! WARNING: A 50,000 volt arc of electricity may jump over to your penis at times.

Brillo® Baby Rash Remover – “Combine the scrubbing power of steel-wool with your baby’s own pus to get the most-effective rash-basher! WARNING: May expose muscle tissues!”

VanWinkle on Ice!

BREAKING CELEBRITY NEWS

Detroit, MI

Rapper Vanilla Ice, a.k.a. Robert VanWinkle, was arrested Tuesday after he was caught waxing a chump like a candle. The chump was actually a homeless man named Jack Berrard, who suffered serious injury to his right eye.

In 2003, VanWinkle was also jailed for allegedly bum-rushing a speaker that boomed in his neighbors’ Detroit home and for cooking MC’s like a pound of bacon in a restricted forest area. He served 2 months and was placed on probation for 1 year after pleading guilty. Tuesday’s occurrence surprised locals, who labeled Vanilla as someone having great generosity and kindness. “If there was a problem, yo he’d solve it,” said Irma Baddington of Southfield. “During our neighborhood watch meetings, we could always count on Rob to collaborate and listen. He was a great part of the organization.”

Once his court date is scheduled, attorneys expect his trial to flow like a harpoon. On the contrary, in the past VanWinkle has defended himself in court…At times rocking the mic like a vandal.

Pooh gets Flushed in Finland!

BREAKING WORLD NEWS!!!!

Kildsjevsik, Finland

Finnish television executives announced today that television shows containing Winnie The Pooh would be banned from here forward due to a recent misinterpretation that caused a massive uproar from parents.

Translated into 74 different languages worldwide, Winnie The Pooh is the 18^th most popular children’s show in existence. Finnish lawmakers were determined to make that non-existent in their country.

After new translation software was introduced last month, automatic overdubbing was made possible for all television, cutting down translation time tremendously for manual translators. The problem: Pooh translated directly in Finnish means “Sh#@.” Numerous children were overheard at lunchtimes all over the country, repeating the profanities whilst consuming their meals of raw fish and dung-beans.

Though the technical difficulty would have been easily explainable on a PR level, Finnish lawmakers and television executives decided to blame it on the show, calling it vulgar and profane.

A comparison could be made with their decision to cover it up to when the Finns blamed the Holocaust on Germany over 60 years ago….. A reputation for horrific murders that stuck to this date. Believe it or not, Hitler’s real name was Helf Djuglen.

Game Show Host Murdered! Estate Showcase Showdown!

BREAKING CELEBRITY NEWS!!

Hollywood Hills, CA

Game Show Legend Bob Barker was found dead in his home early this morning by his stepdaughter. Barker appeared to have been murdered, and the only cause of death that authorities have been able to determine so far is that he bled to death after being neutered. Barker also had Plinko chips stuffed in his mouth. One can only guess that someone prefers Drew Carey over the original host…

Proprietors of Barker’s estate are allowing bidders to come forward for his property since he had no living relatives. They are recommending that nobody overbid since there’s always a chance that some bastard could come along and bid $1

Celebrities said to be planning on attending his funeral are Adam Sandler, Bob Hope’s ex-wife, and his dog’s Vet – Dr. Hyuong Tep

Not-So-Satisfying...

BREAKING NEWS!!!!

Farnsberg, SC

Police in Burke County have just arrested a man in connection with the 1999 slaying of Mars Candy CEO, Hap Bushman.

Raymond A. Purnell of Farnsberg was taken into custody late Sunday evening, because apparently, “Snickers didn’t satisfy him.”

Purnell had been in hiding after the murder, which had been labeled one of the most gruesome crimes of the 1990’s. Bushman was found in his Columbia estate covered in gooey nougat and peanuts. He also had a couple of bites in his neck. Once arrested, Purnell was quoted as having said “If I pay a Buck-Five for a snack-bar, I expect to be fulfilled. Snickers just didn’t do it, and I didn’t appreciate their false advertising.”

After the murder, Snickers changed their ad campaign from 1999 until 2005 when the scare died down again, adopting the slogan “Snickers – Might Satisfy You If You’ve Already Had A Solid Meal Today Prior To Eating One.”

In other confectionary news, Nabisco has decided not to release the “Obama Oreo” after complaints that the product name would indirectly cause a racial thunderstorm.

Headless Webster!

BREAKING CELEBRITY NEWS!!!

Wilmont, DE

Child Celebrity Emmanuel Lewis, star of the 1980’s television hit Webster, was found dead in his Wilmont home Friday, authorities said. Apparently, the 3’6” man had been decapitated by a pool table.

The only witness to the accident was a seven-year-old friend of Lewis’ named Gilbert Perkins. Apparently, Perkins had called Lewis a Hobbit, at which time Lewis proceeded to chase Perkins around his basement recreation room with a tack-hammer. Perkins ducked under a pool table to escape Lewis, at which time Lewis’ low-clearance head connected with the side-rail of the table, knocking it clear of his body.

Neighbors reported hearing a sound much like a pop-can being opened, which inevitably was the sound of Lewis’ head being removed from its socket. One of Lewis’ neighbors called police at that time.

Perkins was taken to a local hospital to be treated for shock. Authorities say that no charges will be pressed against the boy, especially since they felt that being chased by a dwarf with a tack-hammer was a lesson enough in itself

OK to be Gay!

IN THE NEWS

Reuters, NY

A recent study has shown many reason why it is not “OK to be Gay,” outraging many residents of San Francisco, Boulder, and the Nut & Bolt Lounge in lower Manhattan.

Students from Asperville Community College in rural Oklahoma have listed the following as citations not to be gay:

1) Annual Budget Increases – the average gay individual spends $2,870 more per year on leotards and purple vests than the straight person. Contrastingly, Ass-Less Chaps sales only contribute to $400 more per year

2) Higher Health Costs – Gay people reportedly submit 78% more lower back pain claims to their providers, and 268% more requests for Colonoscopies.

3) Impact on the Recording Industry – Annual record sales for Barbara Streisand and Bette Midler rose 41% in 2008 when they released their new albums, compared to the steady decline of sales in all other categories. Oddly enough, record sales in the Showtunes genre failed to reflect the numbers of its gay counterparts

4) House Fires Increased – Over the 10 year period studied, house fires in gay households rose a traumatic 89% after the magazine Gay-Pride Monthly published it’s article entitled “You can make Creme Brulett at home!”

Hitler and The Duke: Pawn Stars!

IDIOTS IN THE NEWS

Corpus-Christi, TX

Hal Fackerel entered a local pawn shop on Thursday, claiming to own Hitler’s couch. When asked by shop-owner Bruce Kerg to prove it’s origination, the man pointed to a swastika carved into it’s hardwood arm. Once the shop owner pointed out that underneath the swastika it read “Hal Was Here”, the man admitted defeat and exited the shop. Shop-owner Bruce stated that he once had a woman come into his shop claiming that she owned the lasso used by John Wayne in True Grit. Upon closer inspection, Bruce was able to ensure the woman that John Wayne would have never used a nylon boat anchor tie-off for a lasso.

Michigan Lamb Chops Cause Heart Attack!

BREAKING NEWS!!!!

Livonia, MI

Michigan housewife Amy Vargas is in critical condition after finding the severed head of a mountain sheep in her living room. Rigor Mortis actually cause the head to “baa” at her when she moved it, causing her to go into cardiac arrest. Police aren’t saying who might have placed the head (found inside a Toshiba television box), but they suspect her neighbor, Tom Morris. Morris is renowned for the 1997 shooting of 18 mountain sheep at the Detroit Zoo.

Muppet Mayhem from the Archives

Oscar the Grouch, famed muppet from the Sesame Street dynasty, was actually made from steel-wool and carpet insulation, until the Hazardous Materials Amendment in 1984. The 12 muppeteers that operated the muppet had reported symptoms of itchy, rashy skin and sudden outbreaks of Chlamydia. He was later replaced with recycled dryer lint and engine oil – two slightly safer components for children.

Just to be safe, all muppets made prior to 1984 and their operators were incinerated.

Kool Aid Murders!!!

BREAKING NEWS!!!!

Smyrna, GA

14 people have been reported dead in what bystanders called a horrific and frightening shower of glass..

A man dressed like fruit-drink legend “Kool-Aid Man” had reportedly been wearing a 400 pound glass suit in order to resemble the hero’s trademark jug appearance. Apparently, Michael Jurgon of Athens charged his living room wall during his eight-year-old’s birthday party. Unbeknownst to the children looking on and Jurgon himself, the wall was reinforced by cinderblock and rebar. His suit shattered instantly, severing Jurgon’s carotid artery and killing him instantly. 13 other children were killed by the glass explosion and 4 others maimed.

To worsen, the situation, 285 gallons of Cherry Drink were completely wasted .

Hooker and a Biscuit???

The popular knocking sequence “Shave and a Haircut” was actually formerly known as “Hooker and a Biscuit” until people realized that the term didn’t apply as well to Midwestern Americans as it did to the Irish Mob

Air Jordan a Rip-off!

Prior to his fame in the NBA, Michael Jordan actually stole his nickname from a local Conoco employee… Many people are unaware that this nickname originated from the attendee operating the tire-fill station, simply known as “Air-Babcock.” To this day, Air-Jordan denies any wrong-doing