Burger King Gives Kids a Mouthfull!

BUSINESS NEWS:

Dilburn, IN

Fast-Food Giant Burger King announced a plan today that has some people cocking their heads…

In an effort to raise sales, whilst promoting safe sex, Burger has announced that they will be handling out “Hamburger-Flavored Condoms” with each kids meal purchase.

“We feel that more and more 7-year olds are sexually active today, and we want to be at the forefront of the STD battle,” said Burger King Spokesman Ronald Franz. “If a kid goes home with one of our burger condoms, not only will he or she be more prone to think twice about having underage sex, but in the case that they do, we can guarantee you won’t get laid again after slipping on a rubber that tastes like ground beef.”

Franz was also behind the controversial Burger King marketing ploy of 2005 in which Dunce hats were given out to people who paid for their meals with checks. “We feel that if you are paying with a check, everyone should know that you’re stuck in the 50’s. If it were legal, Burger King would put rat poison in their meals, but I think we’re only a few years off from the government allowing us to do that.”

The condoms will come in Cheeseburger and Guacamole-Burger flavors, and will also have the option of Rainbow Brite Diaphragms for the girl’s kids meals.

Ernest gets Jiggy Post Mortem

CELEBRITY SCANDAL!!

After passing away in February of 2000, little did “Ernest” fans know what type of scar would make itself known on the 10-year anniversary of Jim Varney’s death.

A recent unfinished work by Varney made its way to Youtube, simply titled Ernest Pays For Sex. Apparently, in this film, Vern finally “knows” what Ernest means (Know what I mean?) -- It has to do with a turkey-baster and a can of Pam cooking spray.

Web aficionados guess that the video came from his file of posthumous releases, which include his last feature film never released, called Ernest Goes To Hell.

Critics charge Varney with selling out in his later days, one of which commented that Ernest Scared Stupid was the last “great” comedy ever made in our generation.

This critic has also been cited with such opinions as “I can’t recall the last time I actually enjoyed sex” and “That Bill Huxtable sure was hot stuff.”

Untapped Brilliance Gone Awry

FAILED INVENTIONS

The Bathtub Toaster-Matic – “Enjoy hot toast while bathing! WARNING: May cause death!”

The Children’s Gas-Siphoning Kit – “Even your Toddler can do it! WARNING: Choking Hazard”

Colon Cleanser Extra-Strength, By Drano® - “We mix the power of Drano with your own Stomach Acid to give you the best cleanse possible! WARNING: Combustible!”

Electronic Toilet Flusher – “Automatically Detects when the stream is finished. No hands! WARNING: A 50,000 volt arc of electricity may jump over to your penis at times.

Brillo® Baby Rash Remover – “Combine the scrubbing power of steel-wool with your baby’s own pus to get the most-effective rash-basher! WARNING: May expose muscle tissues!”

VanWinkle on Ice!

BREAKING CELEBRITY NEWS

Detroit, MI

Rapper Vanilla Ice, a.k.a. Robert VanWinkle, was arrested Tuesday after he was caught waxing a chump like a candle. The chump was actually a homeless man named Jack Berrard, who suffered serious injury to his right eye.

In 2003, VanWinkle was also jailed for allegedly bum-rushing a speaker that boomed in his neighbors’ Detroit home and for cooking MC’s like a pound of bacon in a restricted forest area. He served 2 months and was placed on probation for 1 year after pleading guilty. Tuesday’s occurrence surprised locals, who labeled Vanilla as someone having great generosity and kindness. “If there was a problem, yo he’d solve it,” said Irma Baddington of Southfield. “During our neighborhood watch meetings, we could always count on Rob to collaborate and listen. He was a great part of the organization.”

Once his court date is scheduled, attorneys expect his trial to flow like a harpoon. On the contrary, in the past VanWinkle has defended himself in court…At times rocking the mic like a vandal.