Pooh gets Flushed in Finland!

BREAKING WORLD NEWS!!!!

Kildsjevsik, Finland

Finnish television executives announced today that television shows containing Winnie The Pooh would be banned from here forward due to a recent misinterpretation that caused a massive uproar from parents.

Translated into 74 different languages worldwide, Winnie The Pooh is the 18^th most popular children’s show in existence. Finnish lawmakers were determined to make that non-existent in their country.

After new translation software was introduced last month, automatic overdubbing was made possible for all television, cutting down translation time tremendously for manual translators. The problem: Pooh translated directly in Finnish means “Sh#@.” Numerous children were overheard at lunchtimes all over the country, repeating the profanities whilst consuming their meals of raw fish and dung-beans.

Though the technical difficulty would have been easily explainable on a PR level, Finnish lawmakers and television executives decided to blame it on the show, calling it vulgar and profane.

A comparison could be made with their decision to cover it up to when the Finns blamed the Holocaust on Germany over 60 years ago….. A reputation for horrific murders that stuck to this date. Believe it or not, Hitler’s real name was Helf Djuglen.

Game Show Host Murdered! Estate Showcase Showdown!

BREAKING CELEBRITY NEWS!!

Hollywood Hills, CA

Game Show Legend Bob Barker was found dead in his home early this morning by his stepdaughter. Barker appeared to have been murdered, and the only cause of death that authorities have been able to determine so far is that he bled to death after being neutered. Barker also had Plinko chips stuffed in his mouth. One can only guess that someone prefers Drew Carey over the original host…

Proprietors of Barker’s estate are allowing bidders to come forward for his property since he had no living relatives. They are recommending that nobody overbid since there’s always a chance that some bastard could come along and bid $1

Celebrities said to be planning on attending his funeral are Adam Sandler, Bob Hope’s ex-wife, and his dog’s Vet – Dr. Hyuong Tep

Not-So-Satisfying...

BREAKING NEWS!!!!

Farnsberg, SC

Police in Burke County have just arrested a man in connection with the 1999 slaying of Mars Candy CEO, Hap Bushman.

Raymond A. Purnell of Farnsberg was taken into custody late Sunday evening, because apparently, “Snickers didn’t satisfy him.”

Purnell had been in hiding after the murder, which had been labeled one of the most gruesome crimes of the 1990’s. Bushman was found in his Columbia estate covered in gooey nougat and peanuts. He also had a couple of bites in his neck. Once arrested, Purnell was quoted as having said “If I pay a Buck-Five for a snack-bar, I expect to be fulfilled. Snickers just didn’t do it, and I didn’t appreciate their false advertising.”

After the murder, Snickers changed their ad campaign from 1999 until 2005 when the scare died down again, adopting the slogan “Snickers – Might Satisfy You If You’ve Already Had A Solid Meal Today Prior To Eating One.”

In other confectionary news, Nabisco has decided not to release the “Obama Oreo” after complaints that the product name would indirectly cause a racial thunderstorm.

Headless Webster!

BREAKING CELEBRITY NEWS!!!

Wilmont, DE

Child Celebrity Emmanuel Lewis, star of the 1980’s television hit Webster, was found dead in his Wilmont home Friday, authorities said. Apparently, the 3’6” man had been decapitated by a pool table.

The only witness to the accident was a seven-year-old friend of Lewis’ named Gilbert Perkins. Apparently, Perkins had called Lewis a Hobbit, at which time Lewis proceeded to chase Perkins around his basement recreation room with a tack-hammer. Perkins ducked under a pool table to escape Lewis, at which time Lewis’ low-clearance head connected with the side-rail of the table, knocking it clear of his body.

Neighbors reported hearing a sound much like a pop-can being opened, which inevitably was the sound of Lewis’ head being removed from its socket. One of Lewis’ neighbors called police at that time.

Perkins was taken to a local hospital to be treated for shock. Authorities say that no charges will be pressed against the boy, especially since they felt that being chased by a dwarf with a tack-hammer was a lesson enough in itself

OK to be Gay!

IN THE NEWS

Reuters, NY

A recent study has shown many reason why it is not “OK to be Gay,” outraging many residents of San Francisco, Boulder, and the Nut & Bolt Lounge in lower Manhattan.

Students from Asperville Community College in rural Oklahoma have listed the following as citations not to be gay:

1) Annual Budget Increases – the average gay individual spends $2,870 more per year on leotards and purple vests than the straight person. Contrastingly, Ass-Less Chaps sales only contribute to $400 more per year

2) Higher Health Costs – Gay people reportedly submit 78% more lower back pain claims to their providers, and 268% more requests for Colonoscopies.

3) Impact on the Recording Industry – Annual record sales for Barbara Streisand and Bette Midler rose 41% in 2008 when they released their new albums, compared to the steady decline of sales in all other categories. Oddly enough, record sales in the Showtunes genre failed to reflect the numbers of its gay counterparts

4) House Fires Increased – Over the 10 year period studied, house fires in gay households rose a traumatic 89% after the magazine Gay-Pride Monthly published it’s article entitled “You can make Creme Brulett at home!”

Hitler and The Duke: Pawn Stars!

IDIOTS IN THE NEWS

Corpus-Christi, TX

Hal Fackerel entered a local pawn shop on Thursday, claiming to own Hitler’s couch. When asked by shop-owner Bruce Kerg to prove it’s origination, the man pointed to a swastika carved into it’s hardwood arm. Once the shop owner pointed out that underneath the swastika it read “Hal Was Here”, the man admitted defeat and exited the shop. Shop-owner Bruce stated that he once had a woman come into his shop claiming that she owned the lasso used by John Wayne in True Grit. Upon closer inspection, Bruce was able to ensure the woman that John Wayne would have never used a nylon boat anchor tie-off for a lasso.

Michigan Lamb Chops Cause Heart Attack!

BREAKING NEWS!!!!

Livonia, MI

Michigan housewife Amy Vargas is in critical condition after finding the severed head of a mountain sheep in her living room. Rigor Mortis actually cause the head to “baa” at her when she moved it, causing her to go into cardiac arrest. Police aren’t saying who might have placed the head (found inside a Toshiba television box), but they suspect her neighbor, Tom Morris. Morris is renowned for the 1997 shooting of 18 mountain sheep at the Detroit Zoo.

Muppet Mayhem from the Archives

Oscar the Grouch, famed muppet from the Sesame Street dynasty, was actually made from steel-wool and carpet insulation, until the Hazardous Materials Amendment in 1984. The 12 muppeteers that operated the muppet had reported symptoms of itchy, rashy skin and sudden outbreaks of Chlamydia. He was later replaced with recycled dryer lint and engine oil – two slightly safer components for children.

Just to be safe, all muppets made prior to 1984 and their operators were incinerated.

Kool Aid Murders!!!

BREAKING NEWS!!!!

Smyrna, GA

14 people have been reported dead in what bystanders called a horrific and frightening shower of glass..

A man dressed like fruit-drink legend “Kool-Aid Man” had reportedly been wearing a 400 pound glass suit in order to resemble the hero’s trademark jug appearance. Apparently, Michael Jurgon of Athens charged his living room wall during his eight-year-old’s birthday party. Unbeknownst to the children looking on and Jurgon himself, the wall was reinforced by cinderblock and rebar. His suit shattered instantly, severing Jurgon’s carotid artery and killing him instantly. 13 other children were killed by the glass explosion and 4 others maimed.

To worsen, the situation, 285 gallons of Cherry Drink were completely wasted .

Hooker and a Biscuit???

The popular knocking sequence “Shave and a Haircut” was actually formerly known as “Hooker and a Biscuit” until people realized that the term didn’t apply as well to Midwestern Americans as it did to the Irish Mob

Air Jordan a Rip-off!

Prior to his fame in the NBA, Michael Jordan actually stole his nickname from a local Conoco employee… Many people are unaware that this nickname originated from the attendee operating the tire-fill station, simply known as “Air-Babcock.” To this day, Air-Jordan denies any wrong-doing